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Chad kind of sort of, but not really (because I have a way of ruining these things) surprised me with a trip to New York for our 17th wedding anniversary. The ruining of that surprise is a story for another day, but today we are in NYC with no kids (thank you, Ashley), and only time on our hands. This morning, we woke up in our dark hotel room, to the sounds of sirens and horns blaring from the street below our hotel window. Oddly, we love the noise and the constant bustle that is so different than quiet tapping of the occasional horse hooves and buggy wheels of our usual morning wakeup in Amish Country.
We spent our first full day in New York as we often do–a morning run, too much Starbucks, and walking a whole lot of miles while taking in a world so different than the one we call home. For the first time, we came to the city when it was really warm. We weren’t bundled under layers of clothing. We weren’t drinking coffee because we had to, but we wanted to. (Okay, Chad hates coffee–he was drinking iced tea.) The warm temperatures gave us an opportunity to sit and talk. Of course, we talk all the time at home, but it’s typically broken by a child who needs a snack, a child who needs help finding a sock, or a child issuing a complaint against another child in our home, or a dog needing to relieve herself outside. But today, we got to talk without any interruptions–except for the guy asking for a few coins. While we sat, surrounded by the chaos of the city, we talked about marriage–specifically our marriage, and Chad let me record our conversation.
So, on year 17. . . this is us. . .
Summer: So, we’ve been married 17 years. Can you believe it?!
Chad: Somedays more than others.
Summer: You must mean it’s been such bliss, you can hardly believe it.
Chad: It’s true. . .
Summer: Really, does 17 years seem long?
Chad: Yeah, when you think about 17 years it seems long, but it hasn’t felt that long.
Summer: I agree. Seventeen years have flown by.
Summer: What three words would you use to describe our relationship.
Chad: {Glaring at me} You’re not supposed to ask that–that’s what you ask the engaged couples that we photograph. {He relents, though} Okay, three words. . . fun, laugh-a-lot (he instructs me to put hyphens between those words so it is technically one word), and open. . . but not in the Hollywood sense.
Summer: No, that wouldn’t work so well for us.
Chad: What three words would you use?
Summer: {overthinking before answering} committed, respectful, and a lot of fun.
Summer: Has marriage been what you expected 17 years ago?
Chad: I don’t remember what I ate 2 days ago, I have no idea what I expected 17 years ago. {Pause}. Well, I didn’t expect to have kids. . . but I’m glad we did. How about you?
Summer: Well, 17 years ago I thought we would move to Colorado, run marathons in every state, and work with at risk teens. . . so, I guess our life turned out differently than I thought.
Summer: What has been the biggest challenge in our marriage?
Chad: Probably having to confront issues when they happen because I’m a nine (peacemaker) and 9’s just want problems to just go away.
Summer: Really? You confront issues?
Chad: Okay, having to deal with issues when you bring them up.
Summer: So, you’re saying our marriage isn’t perfect.
Chad: {Sits quietly for way too long.}
Summer: I’m just kidding–no marriage is perfect.
Chad: What do you think has been the biggest challenge in our marriage?
Summer: This isn’t necessarily is ‘marriage’ problem, but I think it’s been me trying to figure out my career path. When I haven’t been the happiest in certain jobs, I know it affects the dynamic we have.
Summer: You’re pretty chill, how have you dealt with my less than chill (okay, sometimes neurotic) ways?
Chad: I’m sure at first I was frustrated by it, but I now know that eventually you’ll come to your senses and relax.
Chad: You’re neurotic, how do you deal with my more than chill ways?
Summer: More often than, not, I’m grateful for it because I’m pretty sure that you’re one of the few people in the world who can handle me with patience.
Chad: That’s because I’m a nine. I don’t like conflict.
Summer: So true.
Summer: Why has our marriage worked so well?
Chad: Because despite what you say, you’re actually a pretty chill person.
Summer: I think that’s true, but I’ve become more chill over the years. Maybe being married to you has rubbed off on me.
Chad: Our personalities are also similar. We are both content to be at home. We like spending time together and with the kids. We also share a lot of interests.
Summer: We do share a lot of interests, but you love sports and I don’t care about sports at all.
Chad: Yes, but you watched Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals and some of the first game of the Finals, so I’m still holding out hope.
Summer: Don’t hold your breath, okay? Do you think we’ve always shared the same interests or has it happened over time?
Chad: Let’s see, I run, I travel to NYC, I watch running on T.V., I listen to podcasts, so I guess I’ve learned to like your interests over time.
Summer: Those are all my interests–this is feeling really one-sided.
Chad: Let’s see, you don’t watch sports, you don’t watch movies, you don’t go to concerts. . .
Summer: Oh, I know! That has never been lost on me! I’ve always said that someday you will EXPLODE.
Chad: No, I don’t mind at all. I’m not bitter. . . yet. {laughing.}
Chad: Why do you think our marriage works?
Summer: I think we work because we respect each other. We aren’t just husband and wife, we are friends. I like that we laugh easily together and that neither of us take ourselves too seriously.
Chad: Your answers are way better than mine.
Summer: You’re answers are fine.
Chad: Yours are more than one sentence.
Summer: You can say more.
Chad: {Shaking his head and laughing} I don’t have it in me.
Summer: Another reason why we work.
Summer: We see lots of brides and grooms right before they walk down the aisle to say “I Do” and they are often nervous. Were you nervous when we got married?
Chad: Nope.
Summer: Good job–one word–a complete sentence.
Chad: Were you nervous?
Summer: Nope. It was the one and only big change in life that I experienced without an ounce of fear, anxiety and/or emotional turmoil.
Chad: {Laughing) Like when we switched from 2% to skim?
Summer: Jerk. Really, I only felt peace and excitement. I’ll never forget that.
Summer: How do you handle the little irritants that obviously occur living under the same roof for 17 years?
Chad: Like the way you load the dishwasher or the way you put the pans away or the way you leave cleaner on the counter ALL OF THE TIME despite my telling you a million times to put it away?
Summer: {Laughing} Yep, those would be the ones.
Chad: I fix the dishes in the dishwasher, I turn the pans around, and I put the cleaner under the sink.
Summer: See, you are bitter.
Chad: {Shaking his head} No, it’s fine.
Chad: How do you deal with the little annoyances?
Chad: Never mind, you tell me about them.
Summer: {Laughing.} I do. And I know you try to fix them. And, for the record, I don’t tell you about all of them–I know some things don’t matter.
Summer: We were married when we were 24 and 22. . . do you think we’ve changed a lot?
Chad: Well, I’ve gained 30 pounds–10 pounds with each kid, so yeah.
Summer: Really. Have we changed?
Chad: Yes, I’ve become more confident and competent as a person–socially, emotionally, physically, and you know, sexually.
Summer: {Laughing while recording)
Chad: DON’T PUT THAT IN THERE!
Summer: (Typing & laughing)
Summer: I agree, we’ve both changed a lot. I think that happens naturally over time and with experience and age. However, I think in the best situations, people change together. I feel like we’ve grown together.
Summer: I know you are almost at your word limit for the day, I promise we’re almost done.
Chad: So you say…so you say…
Summer: If Charlie were about to get married, what kind of advice would you give him?
Chad: Marry someone who you can talk to, laugh with, go on adventures with. Marry someone who has the same belief system. Marry someone who compliments your personality (not tells you that you have a good personality, though that’s helpful, but that picks up your weaknesses and builds on your strengths. What would you tell the girls?
Summer: I would tell them that their spouse–marriage–should be their safe place to fall. I would tell them that their significant other should make them feel safe, secure, and accepted–even when they might not feel this way in the world. I would tell them that if they can’t be completely, truly exactly who they are with their significant other, then they should run in the other direction. And I would tell them that they don’t choose their spouse on that one day when they say “YES!” and a ring is put on their finger. Or on the day when they say “I DO” and another ring is placed on their finger. I would tell them that they choose their spouse every day after that–for the rest of their lives.
Chad: I have no more words.
Summer: That’s okay, I’ll finish from here.
*******
Seventeen years ago today, I stood in the front of a small church, surrounded by friends and family, and I said “I will” or “I do” or “Heck Yes” to a boy that I loved. Today, we both have a few more lines etched in our faces, a few more experiences under our belt, and a few more bodies under our roof. The plans we had for our life that day look nothing like the life we have today. These years have taught us that it’s okay to throw out the blueprints. It’s okay to toss the roadmap aside. The truth is, it’s much for fun to walk forward, day-by-day, side by side, and allow our story to unfold as we go.
Chad, you have stood by me through some of the most wonderful, most horrible, most scary, most fun parts of life. You have been my loudest cheerleader and my biggest supporter. When I thought I couldn’t–you told me I could. When I have doubted, you have believed. When I felt weary, you have been strong. When I needed a hand, it was always yours that was within reach. I don’t say it everyday, I know, but oh, I most definitely feel it–I could not be more grateful to do this life with you.
Chad, thank you for being my safe place to fall. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, and accepted–especially when I don’t always feel it in the world. Thank you, Chad, for being the place where I can be completely, truly, exactly who I am. And Chad? Thank you for choosing me that day–17 years ago–when you placed a ring on my finger. And thank you for choosing me every day since.
Happy Anniversary, Chad. Here’s to many, many, more. . .
